My Struggle with Infertility

May I start by saying that I have been quiet about this topic to several people. Unfortunately, I don't know how many will actually read this post.  However, my hope is that I can convey something that will be beneficial to me and to people around me by expressing my feelings of sorrow and hope when it comes to this sensitive subject.

Well, here it goes: I, Melissa, struggle with infertility. There. I got it off my chest.

Now, I want to share my story.

As many of you know, Ryan and I got married in April of 2010. Then, I was naïve and unaware of how much I was going to struggle with bearing children. It is now almost four years after that special day.* We definitely were not thinking about children right from the get-go; we wanted to wait at least a year before thinking about bringing new life into our family.  About a year had passed and we wanted to be more serious about having children. We went to the Temple and prayed and we got an answer to try. I already knew it probably would be difficult considering I don’t have regular menstrual cycles to begin with, but we did try nonetheless. We weren't getting anywhere. No positives on pregnancy tests or any signs that we were successful.

In 2011, I went to a women’s clinic here in Rexburg while I was still under my parent’s insurance. I saw a nice doctor there, who first told me I was currently infertile. He told me I had PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), which wasn't new news to me. I had previously been diagnosed with it in high school and I have never been regular with my cycles unless I was on birth control. He did an ultrasound on my ovaries and, sure enough, there were plenty of cysts surrounding both my ovaries. They had me take Metformin to help with that, which I have already been on in the past. I remember still having irregular cycles, but I still had periods on my own. However, I was gaining weight and struggling to keep it off.

I was turning twenty-six, and I could no longer see the doctor at the clinic for I was not qualified to be under my parents’ insurance.  I went to the Temple again and asked God when I could start trying to get pregnant once more. He said October. I then started seeing doctors at the BYU—Idaho Student Health Center when school started back up again. They told me that they would try to help me get pregnant. I had seen them off and on depending on how our funds were at the time. Eventually, my periods stopped happening on their own all together. A physician's.assistant there has been helping me through the process most recently and prescribed to me a medication that would help me menstruate, but not ovulate. She wanted me to go through certain testing to see where I’m at with my ovaries and if they can still produce if I get started on fertility medication. They found through the tests that my progesterone levels are really, really low, but my ovaries are still fine with producing good eggs. Ryan also was required to have tests done for himself too.

It has been a few months since I have gone in to the Health Center for treatment. I was focusing on graduating from school more than wanting to be pregnant at the time.  Right now, admittedly, our funds are so low now that school is out and it is winter semester (we don’t receive any loans or grants from school since Ryan is off-track) that we are now struggling to pay for much right now. We are jobless and are working hard to find any sort of employment. No jobs equals no medical help for infertility. Even when we do get jobs, we need to save up money for paying off school loans and concentrate on making sure we can afford rent and food. So till then, growing our family may have to wait longer.

I’m sad that times have become so hard for us right now especially that our situation is so dire on trying to survive the next few months. I have spent many nights crying, feeling that I am not worthy to be a mother and that God does not want me to bring children into our lives. It has been especially hard when we go to attend church. We see many families who have children or women that are pregnant and younger than I am. The same feelings go for when I'm on Facebook and friends and family are posting about their little babies and toddlers with pictures too. I think, "I wish that could be me," but reality is, it's not. I try not to get jealous, but it gets overwhelming sometimes. I am given assurance from Ryan where he tells me that God will bless us in His own time. I understand that it is hard to have faith when certain blessings don’t come when you want them to.  But it also helps to know that I am not alone in the fight with infertility. God knows that for me, having kids at this time isn't what he has in store for me at this time. I understand that my focus needs to probably be elsewhere, serving others and directing my energy to getting a job and sticking with it. I am also having issues with my weight and losing the weight for me will be helpful, especially with my struggle with infertility.

After writing this, I feel that I want to pose a challenge to those who read this. The challenge is to please be aware of those around you that may be struggling with infertility like I am. Be aware of their needs and be a shoulder to cry on. I, like many others, need love and support. We need to know that things will work out and that God will bless us, no matter what happens. We need to be reminded that we are just as important as women that are mothers and that we are not lesser women because we don’t have our own children yet.

Thank you for reading this. I hope that a better understanding will grow between you and me about this topic.

~Melissa

*I do understand that others have waited longer to have children who also struggle with infertility, but I also know that the feelings I have are still the same.